Monday, November 17, 2008

Notes from a laggard

The morning of the run found me extremely reluctant to wake up…the result of a booze session with friends the previous night.

Hardly the ideal preparation for the longest run I’d undertaken yet…but then my preparation was practically non-existent. My ‘training’ runs made up a grand total of about 30 km…accumulated over seven runs spread over the course of 3 months.
In fact, my real reasons for being there was so I’d have an excuse to ride down to Bangalore. That and the ‘paisa vasooli’ factor…since I’d already paid up for the run, I figured the least I could do was show up.

Rode down to the venue to find the run in full swing…runners lined both sides of the road and were spread across the trail leading to ONV. At that stage, seeing I was about 1.5 hours behind schedule, all I was hoping for was to run a few kilometers, and then maybe help out with the volunteering or something.

The folks at the helpdesk were very friendly, and the guy mentioned, almost apologetically, that they couldn’t give me a bib because of the late start, but that ‘nobody could stop me from running’ if I wanted to. That was fine with me, as I harbored no dreams of doing anything over 5-6K. Not being officially registered meant that I wouldn’t officially be a dropout!

Just as I’d changed and started off, heard the FC announce that the 25K runners would be finishing at any time! Crap…now that was embarrassing as hell!

The embarrassment was to continue. Each time someone coming the opposite side smiled and applauded (and there were plenty of them) I’d hang my head in shame…no doubt they thought I was one of the long-distance runners who was motoring on after the initial rounds. I never felt more like an imposter!

Anyways, the weather was perfect, I had my music on, that and the sight of so many runners plugging away, a lot of them with smiles on their faces, kept my motivation up. And the scenery was enchanting…I kept wanting to go just that little bit further so I could see what lay ahead. Invariably comparisons rose between looking at this scenery from a motorcycle, as opposed to running/cycling through it, and I surprised myself by deciding that the latter was probably a better option. The thrill of motorcycling is definitely absent, but the romance is there. The feeling of being one with nature is magnified when the only effort spent getting there is your own, and the only thing breaking the silence is your own breath and the sound of your feet.

But back to the run…for a while I latched on to this lanky guy ahead of me and tried to keep pace, but I soon found myself unequal to the task.

That set a pattern of sorts. I would try to keep someone in sight all the time, because I knew that if I found myself alone for a few minutes, I’d probably give up and stop right there. I kept getting passed left, right and center, a lot of times by people much older than me, which did nothing for my morale. I guess I had done about 4K by then and was starting to get tired. For a long while I tailed this guy wearing the Bangalore Ultra Tee and tried to keep myself motivated reading the BU slogan “Its tough. Are you?” But then he started to pull away, I couldn’t read the words anymore and then, finally…I was all alone.

The worst part was that the course had exited the trail and I was running on a concrete road, which I found rather disheartening and more than a little hard on the feet. I was trying to do some mental calculations and check if I had crossed 5K…the target I’d set myself earlier…when the course plunged into the woods lining the road and went down a pleasant track with the trees on either side forming a dark green canopy. I noticed a water-spot at the end with a fair amount of activity happening and gave an inward sigh of relief…that was probably the spot I’d finish my run.

And then I saw a sign saying ‘U-Turn’. That meant I’d completed half the loop, and my heart leapt up for the first time. Suddenly realized I wasn’t completely down and out, and if I’d run this far…well, why couldn’t I just turn around and run back the way I came? And if I succeeded in doing that…well, I’d actually have finished one complete loop of the Bangalore Ultra-Marathon. Now that was something worth talking about!

For the first time, I started to smile. Thought about my target of 5K and how wonderful it would be if I more than doubled it. Loaded up with Electral, some peanuts and a few slices of oranges, and set off with renewed energy.

And on the way back, the thought of what I was doing started my adrenaline rushing up. Dammit, I wasn’t a complete failure. I would actually do a whole loop. That’s 12.5 km of running…not too bad at all!

I thought about the lanky guy who was now so far away.

F**k him, came the response.

I thought about the guy with the Bangalore Ultra Tee.

F**k him, I’m tough enough.

My thoughts went back to the previous night. To the friends who advised me not to attempt this run with my level of preparation, and that I’d be better off having a good time that night. I thought of the (good-natured) jokes about how I’d there come to run and how I was tricked into a few drinks instead.

F**k them all. I’d show them what I could do. I’d complete the entire 25km and then we’d see who was laughing.

Hang on…did I just say…complete 25km?? And that’s when I started seriously considering the possibility that maybe, just maybe…I could complete what I signed up to do. What a rush that would be! I knew I was getting ahead of myself, but what if…hypothetically…I didn’t stop at the end of the loop? All it involved was taking another U-turn, and once that was done, well…we’d see what happened next.

I found myself smiling more often. I realized I no longer felt bad about all those people who passed me. I may have joined late, I may not have a bib, I may not be competing officially, but hell…that didn’t mean I was lesser than any of them. They were here to complete the course, and so was I. That made us equals.

And suddenly, just like that, I was a laggard no more. Instead, I was a runner.

Now I was the one applauding and encouraging folks coming the opposite direction. I figured that if I took my thoughts away from my legs and focused on…say…the music, it made the run a lot less painful. The music was a lifesaver, in fact. So long as I couldn’t hear my breathing and the sound of my feet pounding the pavement, I wouldn’t focus on the actual running. I kept thinking of that moment when I’d cross the Finish line triumphantly, and that kept me going.

As I exited the road and got back on the trail, noticed one of the guys who had passed past me halted at a water-spot. He’d obviously already completed a few loops by then, but all I could think of was…I’m finally going to pass someone myself. So I skipped that water-spot and kept going. He caught up with me soon enough, and we passed each other once or twice more before he finally sped off. But now I didn’t mind. I was at that place mentally where I just wanted to see how far I could take myself.

Another random thought that popped up in my head was the discussion about triathlons the previous night. That got me thinking of the number of people in this world who motorcycled 600km on day one, and then walked/ran 25km on day two. Not too many, for sure! My own little version of a 'bi'athlon :-)

As I neared the starting point, the final thought that sealed the 12.5K/25K decision was another random one…”I’m a 60kpher. And 60kphers don’t quit!” I thought of Nicky who’d done a ride with a broken chassis. I thought of Ashwani who did the EBC trek to celebrate his 50th birthday. About all the rides that people continued on despite breakdowns. How was this any different? If I just crossed that U-turn, that would do the trick, because there was no way I would turn back now. There was no way I could run another 12.5km either, but that was fine. Where I couldn’t run I’d walk. I was under no time pressure…what was important was completing the run.

As I neared the main entrance, a few people at the entrance started to clap, I got a few thumbs up signs, and now I no longer felt unworthy. A few spectators had gathered near the Finish line and they started to applaud too, and suddenly taking that U-turn was the simplest thing in the world. As I turned, heard the MC go “give it up for the long-distance runners” and the spectators applauded again. Now that seriously felt good!

The second loop was not all hunky-dory, not in the least. I managed to keep running till the first water-spot, and then just had to stop. I guess my supply of adrenalin had run out, and I was just left with the reality of going through that whole course again. Thankfully, I guess my pace had slowed to the extent that I was no longer breathless, so I just had to deal with the pain. I would keep walking till the pain eased, and then run for a bit until I felt I had to stop.

The crowd had thinned out by now…I guess the 25Kers had finished a while ago and it was just the long-distance guys soldiering on, and it felt good being a part of this elite group. Got a new sense of respect for these folks, here I was making such a big deal about 25K and these guys were all doing 50K or 75K or more. How they kept going loop after loop was beyond me. Whenever I saw an older guy running, it would inspire me to run a few feet further as well.

Towards the end, when I hit the concrete road again, the pain started to escalate a little bit. Up to now it was my calves and thighs that felt like lead, but I now felt a twinge in the back of my leg as well, above the knee area and that started to hurt. But again, there were a few guys coming the opposite direction who gave me thumbs up signals and kept asking me to “hang in there” and that made a ton of difference.

Anyways, I finally made it to the U-turn again, and took a bit of a prolonged break there before walking back.

Those final 6km were hell. There’s no other way to put it. If I could have unscrewed my legs and thrown them away, I would’ve gladly done it. There was nothing glamorous or challenging about it anymore…finishing was no longer a question since I had nowhere else to go…it was just about putting one foot in front of the other. But I understood what Ambar mentioned in his earlier write-up. There’s this slightly perverse part of your mind that enjoys the pain. You know that, technically at least, you’ve reached your limits and are going beyond them, and that’s a good feeling.

For the final few kilometers, it didn’t really make a difference if I was walking or running. Well, actually, I was no longer capable of running, and walking hurt just as much, so I adopted this sort of slow shuffle where your legs are never too far apart. And after that my arms started to hurt so I just dangled them loosely by my side and kept going that way.

Well, anyways, without going too much into graphic descriptions, I made it to the main entrance again, while en route passing a few stationary vehicles that I looked at longingly. There were a few folks cycling up and down the trail and I looked at them longingly as well! But at the entrance, pulled myself up and jogged to the finish line. And that was it…suddenly it was over, just like that. Rather anti-climatic, as endings go :-)

But once the fact sunk in, it’s actually given me a tremendous sense of achievement. I know what its like to cross my limits and keep going, and I can do it again if I need to, and I actually want to. I know its just 25K and I don't hold a candle to those folks who completed a marathon and more...but somehow a full marathon doesn’t seem so daunting now. It’s just a matter of being fitter (and much more disciplined) than what I am currently. Because no matter how much I train, at the end it’ll just boil down to dealing with the pain and putting one foot in front of the other, and now I think that’s something I can do. And running itself for me is no longer about competition, or about proving yourself to somebody else. It’s just about you being the best that you can be.

3 comments:

katyakarthik said...

Congratulations!!! Wow!!!
Ur write-up is quite entertaining, i was always holding my breath to see if u'd make it or not :)
Good job!
So?... whats the plan now that the goal has been achieved? Are u going to continue ur work-outs and morning runs? (I doubt there were any, but lets just keep up appearances!)

Tanvir Kazmi said...

Excellent! Magnificent! Tremendous effort! I guess lesser words are not worthy to describe your effort, and the fluidity with which you described the entire sequence of events. Congrats.

Pushuka said...

Well, well. What do we have here. You've been blogging on the sly. :) Btw, great narration dude. Absolutely loved it...